Parenting

A little girl in California in the sixties was beaten to death by her own dad (while her mom watched silently). It happened within a period of 10 hours. The beatings that the girl received caused some internal bleeding that ultimately caused her death. But what is really heart-rending is a detail that came out during the trial. About 2 hours before she died, the little girl came to her dad (the same dad who'd beaten her so badly) and asked him if he could undo her gown so she could go to the bathroom.

The point of the story is, no matter how bad the parents are, they mean everything to the child. They're the only people in the child's life. So, anything that mom or dad says to them makes its way deep in their brain. They may seem like they're not paying attention, but they're listening. There's nobody else they'd rather listen to. There's always a way to get across to them, by talking to them. Sometimes, I agree, one doesn't have the time or the patience, and an occasional spanking or timeout is ok - as long as it's for their own good, and not because the parent had a bad day.

Now, let me get to the point that I feel very strongly about. Most of the time, parents are harsh on their kids for selfish reasons. Beating them up because one is upset with their spouse or they had a bad day at work, is one example. But let me tell you another story. We were visiting somebody the other day. The child dropped ice-cream on the carpet. The dad starts by humiliating her. Then he makes her clean up the mess right away, snubbing the mom in the process, who tries to suggest that maybe she can help her clean up. Some people will argue, that’s a lesson to the kid that she has to pay for her mistakes. But if you ask me, it’s not teaching the child any valuable lesson except to obey your dad, or else… Just like everything else that the parent does and says, it leaves a deep impact on the child’s mind. It has a permanent effect on her self esteem. I think that is selfish. Whatever lesson needs to be taught, can be taught after the guests leave and without the intimidation.

In my village in India, there used to be this curious custom among poor people. When they went out, the parents would be all decked up, but the kids would be barefoot, in torn clothes. The logic is that it’s the parents’ life; the kids can have good clothes when they grow up. Some parents among us have the exact same mentality. “This is my house. You’ll do what I tell you to do as long as you’re in my house. ” They get obsessive about scratches on the floor, marks on the wall, things left around – most of which can be fixed with a coat of paint or wood filler, but has a permanent effect on the child’s personality. Again, I think that is selfish. Children need space to grow. Would Thomas Edition be an inventor if he didn’t get to take things apart as a kid? Making a mess is part of the higher learning. Of course, they can’t be messy all the time, but they need some space to experiment and learn.

I think parenting is a delicate balance between knowing what is good for the child and what is good for the parent. Sometimes parents need some time alone. It’s ok to let the kids know that it’s their time and they don’t want to be bothered. But it’s important to understand that kids need some quiet time too, when they want to be left alone. They won’t say so, but the parents need to understand that. And more importantly, it’s their life too, and this is the most important time of their life. If parents give them the right guidance, praise them on their achievements, encourage them, treat them fairly, listen to and respect their views, they’ll grow up into strong, confident individuals with a high self-esteem that the parents can be proud of.