Weakness and Kindness

My nine year old son told me one day that a boy in his class keeps bothering him. He got him in trouble a couple of times. This is a dilemma that most parents have to face at some point or the other - how to teach your child to deal with bullies? What should my advice be? "Complain to your teacher, ignore him, hit him back?" I know, I cannot go fight for him. He has to stand up for himself. It's a tough choice. Ignoring the bully is probably the safest choice but it's probably the least effective. Telling on him will probably work, but that's not exactly standing up for himself. I can't let him get into a fight either.

The mature way is to walk away. It works in most adult situations. But the problem is that kids are not mature. If your child is perceived as a weakling, the bully will get bolder. Turning the other cheek, most of the time, is perceived as a weakness rather than greatness.

Many parents make the mistake of being hard on their kids to toughen them up. It's like madatory army bootcamp for everybody. The world is not a battlefield. You can be fair and just and kind, and still be strong and successful. "What's the harm?" Some might say, "In raising tough kids?" The answer is, when you're harsh on kids, you either turn them into an insecure, nervous mess or a bully who just puts up a brave front to hide their inner insecurity. They're so emotionally disturbed that they need to abuse others to feel better about themselves. A strong kid is a kid with high self-esteem. The only way to build a high self-esteem is to raise them in a loving and caring environment and making them feel wanted. The people who think that they need to be hard on kids to prepare them for the world, are the ones that are responsible for creating bullies out of them. Like Dr. Eric Berne said, "All children are born princes and princesses, the civilizing process turns them into frogs."

Growing up in India, I was always told that you must be tough, or people will walk all over you. Being street-smart was considered a virtue. Snatching, pushing and shoving maybe a necessity in a developing country, but in a developed country, it'll only take you so far. By complaining and fighting, you might be able to get a free pizza, or a year's supply of toothpaste or a free hotel room, but when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder, what is valued is, how calm you can be in the face of adversity. In the long run what counts is your maturity and composure. People who lose it, eventually lose it all.

I'd once read an Indian fable about a snake and a holy man. Once upon a time, in a village in India, lived a vicious snake. The snake would bite any villager who went into the woods. One day, a holy man came to the village. The villagers came to him for help. The holy man asked them to take him to the snake. The villagers looked at him in disbelief, but the holy man said, "Don't worry, the snake won't bite me." Reluctantly, the villagers took him to the woods. The holy man walked fearlessly in while the villagers waited outside. Hours passed. The villagers started fearing the worst. But after a long time the holy man emerged from the woods, the snake at his heels. First the villagers started to run away, but then they noticed that the snake wasn't trying to bite. It was following the holy man as if it in a trance. "What did you do to him?", the villagers asked eagerly. "I just taught him how to live peacefully with other creatures," the holy man replied.

The villagers were so grateful they built the holy man a hut. The snake used to live with him in his hut. The villagers used to bring offerings everyday and listen to his words of wisdom. The snake never bit anybody after that. It used to live with the holy man like his pet.

One day the holy man told the villagers that he must leave. He must go and help others. He cannot be in one place. The villagers were very sad. They tried to convince him to stay but the holy man was adamant. Before leaving, he gave his last words of advice to the snake. "Never bite anybody," he told him.

After a few months, the holy man happened to visit the village. He got a warm welcome from the villagers. "Where is the snake?", he asked them. "The snake went to the live in the woods after you left," The villagers told him. The holy man went to the woods to see the snake. He was shocked at what he saw. The snake was dying. "What happened?" The holy man asked. "After you left," The snake said, "The villagers started mistreating me. Little kids would throw stones at me and villager would hit me with sticks." "Then why didn't you do something?" The holy man asked. "But you told me not to bite anyone." "You stupid snake," The holy man shook his head, "I told you not to bite anyone, but I didn't tell you not to hiss!"

The fable summarizes the difference between weakness and kindness. If a snake does not have any fangs, and turns away without biting, that's considered weakness. If a snake has the capacity to kill you with one bite but chooses not to, that's considered kindness. One has to let their opponent know that they're not weak. If one does not make that distinction, their kindness will be construed as weakness. This is the message I took away from a peom I'd read as a kid. The poem is called "Shakti aur Kshama (Strength and Forgiveness)" by Ramdhari Singh 'Dinkar', a well-known Hindi poet.

When one is too scared to retaliate, the bully will sense it, and they'll fall prey to their abuse. Confidence comes from self-esteem. A child who has been praised for their achievements, who has been encouraged, who has been treated with fairness, whose views have been heard and respected, will grow up into a confident person with a high self-esteem. Whereas, a child who has been criticized a lot, who has been forced and intimidated, who has been treated unfairly, whose views have never been heard, will grow up into a timid and weak person with a low self-esteem - the perfect target for a bully.

"Next time he bothers you, I want you to tell him to stop." I told my son, "Let him know that you don't like what he's doing. Be firm, be assertive. Let him know that you can and will do whatever it takes to defend yourself. Don't do anything, just let him know that." Then I told him the story of the holy man and the snake. I think my advice worked. He hasn't complained to me again.