A little girl in California in the sixties was beaten to death by her own dad (while her mom watched silently). It happened within a period of 10 hours. The beatings that the girl received caused some internal bleeding that ultimately caused her death. But what is really heart-rending is a detail that came out during the trial. About 2 hours before she died, the little girl came to her dad (the same dad who'd beaten her so badly) and asked him if he could undo her gown so she could go to the bathroom.
The point of the story is, no matter how bad the parents are, they mean everything to the child. They're the only people in the child's life. So, anything that mom or dad says to them makes its way deep in their brain. They may seem like they're not paying attention, but they're listening. There's nobody else they'd rather listen to. There's always a way to get across to them, by talking to them. Sometimes, I agree, one doesn't have the time or the patience, and an occasional spanking or timeout is ok - as long as it's for their own good, and not because the parent had a bad day.
Now, let me get to the point that I feel very strongly about. Most of the time, parents are harsh on their kids for selfish reasons. Beating them up because one is upset with their spouse or they had a bad day at work, is one example. But let me tell you another story. We were visiting somebody the other day. The child dropped ice-cream on the carpet. The dad starts by humiliating her. Then he makes her clean up the mess right away, snubbing the mom in the process, who tries to suggest that maybe she can help her clean up. Some people will argue, that’s a lesson to the kid that she has to pay for her mistakes. But if you ask me, it’s not teaching the child any valuable lesson except to obey your dad, or else… Just like everything else that the parent does and says, it leaves a deep impact on the child’s mind. It has a permanent effect on her self esteem. I think that is selfish. Whatever lesson needs to be taught, can be taught after the guests leave and without the intimidation.
In my village in India, there used to be this curious custom among poor people. When they went out, the parents would be all decked up, but the kids would be barefoot, in torn clothes. The logic is that it’s the parents’ life; the kids can have good clothes when they grow up. Some parents among us have the exact same mentality. “This is my house. You’ll do what I tell you to do as long as you’re in my house. ” They get obsessive about scratches on the floor, marks on the wall, things left around – most of which can be fixed with a coat of paint or wood filler, but has a permanent effect on the child’s personality. Again, I think that is selfish. Children need space to grow. Would Thomas Edition be an inventor if he didn’t get to take things apart as a kid? Making a mess is part of the higher learning. Of course, they can’t be messy all the time, but they need some space to experiment and learn.
I think parenting is a delicate balance between knowing what is good for the child and what is good for the parent. Sometimes parents need some time alone. It’s ok to let the kids know that it’s their time and they don’t want to be bothered. But it’s important to understand that kids need some quiet time too, when they want to be left alone. They won’t say so, but the parents need to understand that. And more importantly, it’s their life too, and this is the most important time of their life. If parents give them the right guidance, praise them on their achievements, encourage them, treat them fairly, listen to and respect their views, they’ll grow up into strong, confident individuals with a high self-esteem that the parents can be proud of.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Weakness and Kindness
My nine year old son told me one day that a boy in his class keeps bothering him. He got him in trouble a couple of times. This is a dilemma that most parents have to face at some point or the other - how to teach your child to deal with bullies? What should my advice be? "Complain to your teacher, ignore him, hit him back?" I know, I cannot go fight for him. He has to stand up for himself. It's a tough choice. Ignoring the bully is probably the safest choice but it's probably the least effective. Telling on him will probably work, but that's not exactly standing up for himself. I can't let him get into a fight either.
The mature way is to walk away. It works in most adult situations. But the problem is that kids are not mature. If your child is perceived as a weakling, the bully will get bolder. Turning the other cheek, most of the time, is perceived as a weakness rather than greatness.
Many parents make the mistake of being hard on their kids to toughen them up. It's like madatory army bootcamp for everybody. The world is not a battlefield. You can be fair and just and kind, and still be strong and successful. "What's the harm?" Some might say, "In raising tough kids?" The answer is, when you're harsh on kids, you either turn them into an insecure, nervous mess or a bully who just puts up a brave front to hide their inner insecurity. They're so emotionally disturbed that they need to abuse others to feel better about themselves. A strong kid is a kid with high self-esteem. The only way to build a high self-esteem is to raise them in a loving and caring environment and making them feel wanted. The people who think that they need to be hard on kids to prepare them for the world, are the ones that are responsible for creating bullies out of them. Like Dr. Eric Berne said, "All children are born princes and princesses, the civilizing process turns them into frogs."
Growing up in India, I was always told that you must be tough, or people will walk all over you. Being street-smart was considered a virtue. Snatching, pushing and shoving maybe a necessity in a developing country, but in a developed country, it'll only take you so far. By complaining and fighting, you might be able to get a free pizza, or a year's supply of toothpaste or a free hotel room, but when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder, what is valued is, how calm you can be in the face of adversity. In the long run what counts is your maturity and composure. People who lose it, eventually lose it all.
I'd once read an Indian fable about a snake and a holy man. Once upon a time, in a village in India, lived a vicious snake. The snake would bite any villager who went into the woods. One day, a holy man came to the village. The villagers came to him for help. The holy man asked them to take him to the snake. The villagers looked at him in disbelief, but the holy man said, "Don't worry, the snake won't bite me." Reluctantly, the villagers took him to the woods. The holy man walked fearlessly in while the villagers waited outside. Hours passed. The villagers started fearing the worst. But after a long time the holy man emerged from the woods, the snake at his heels. First the villagers started to run away, but then they noticed that the snake wasn't trying to bite. It was following the holy man as if it in a trance. "What did you do to him?", the villagers asked eagerly. "I just taught him how to live peacefully with other creatures," the holy man replied.
The villagers were so grateful they built the holy man a hut. The snake used to live with him in his hut. The villagers used to bring offerings everyday and listen to his words of wisdom. The snake never bit anybody after that. It used to live with the holy man like his pet.
One day the holy man told the villagers that he must leave. He must go and help others. He cannot be in one place. The villagers were very sad. They tried to convince him to stay but the holy man was adamant. Before leaving, he gave his last words of advice to the snake. "Never bite anybody," he told him.
After a few months, the holy man happened to visit the village. He got a warm welcome from the villagers. "Where is the snake?", he asked them. "The snake went to the live in the woods after you left," The villagers told him. The holy man went to the woods to see the snake. He was shocked at what he saw. The snake was dying. "What happened?" The holy man asked. "After you left," The snake said, "The villagers started mistreating me. Little kids would throw stones at me and villager would hit me with sticks." "Then why didn't you do something?" The holy man asked. "But you told me not to bite anyone." "You stupid snake," The holy man shook his head, "I told you not to bite anyone, but I didn't tell you not to hiss!"
The fable summarizes the difference between weakness and kindness. If a snake does not have any fangs, and turns away without biting, that's considered weakness. If a snake has the capacity to kill you with one bite but chooses not to, that's considered kindness. One has to let their opponent know that they're not weak. If one does not make that distinction, their kindness will be construed as weakness. This is the message I took away from a peom I'd read as a kid. The poem is called "Shakti aur Kshama (Strength and Forgiveness)" by Ramdhari Singh 'Dinkar', a well-known Hindi poet.
When one is too scared to retaliate, the bully will sense it, and they'll fall prey to their abuse. Confidence comes from self-esteem. A child who has been praised for their achievements, who has been encouraged, who has been treated with fairness, whose views have been heard and respected, will grow up into a confident person with a high self-esteem. Whereas, a child who has been criticized a lot, who has been forced and intimidated, who has been treated unfairly, whose views have never been heard, will grow up into a timid and weak person with a low self-esteem - the perfect target for a bully.
"Next time he bothers you, I want you to tell him to stop." I told my son, "Let him know that you don't like what he's doing. Be firm, be assertive. Let him know that you can and will do whatever it takes to defend yourself. Don't do anything, just let him know that." Then I told him the story of the holy man and the snake. I think my advice worked. He hasn't complained to me again.
The mature way is to walk away. It works in most adult situations. But the problem is that kids are not mature. If your child is perceived as a weakling, the bully will get bolder. Turning the other cheek, most of the time, is perceived as a weakness rather than greatness.
Many parents make the mistake of being hard on their kids to toughen them up. It's like madatory army bootcamp for everybody. The world is not a battlefield. You can be fair and just and kind, and still be strong and successful. "What's the harm?" Some might say, "In raising tough kids?" The answer is, when you're harsh on kids, you either turn them into an insecure, nervous mess or a bully who just puts up a brave front to hide their inner insecurity. They're so emotionally disturbed that they need to abuse others to feel better about themselves. A strong kid is a kid with high self-esteem. The only way to build a high self-esteem is to raise them in a loving and caring environment and making them feel wanted. The people who think that they need to be hard on kids to prepare them for the world, are the ones that are responsible for creating bullies out of them. Like Dr. Eric Berne said, "All children are born princes and princesses, the civilizing process turns them into frogs."
Growing up in India, I was always told that you must be tough, or people will walk all over you. Being street-smart was considered a virtue. Snatching, pushing and shoving maybe a necessity in a developing country, but in a developed country, it'll only take you so far. By complaining and fighting, you might be able to get a free pizza, or a year's supply of toothpaste or a free hotel room, but when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder, what is valued is, how calm you can be in the face of adversity. In the long run what counts is your maturity and composure. People who lose it, eventually lose it all.
I'd once read an Indian fable about a snake and a holy man. Once upon a time, in a village in India, lived a vicious snake. The snake would bite any villager who went into the woods. One day, a holy man came to the village. The villagers came to him for help. The holy man asked them to take him to the snake. The villagers looked at him in disbelief, but the holy man said, "Don't worry, the snake won't bite me." Reluctantly, the villagers took him to the woods. The holy man walked fearlessly in while the villagers waited outside. Hours passed. The villagers started fearing the worst. But after a long time the holy man emerged from the woods, the snake at his heels. First the villagers started to run away, but then they noticed that the snake wasn't trying to bite. It was following the holy man as if it in a trance. "What did you do to him?", the villagers asked eagerly. "I just taught him how to live peacefully with other creatures," the holy man replied.
The villagers were so grateful they built the holy man a hut. The snake used to live with him in his hut. The villagers used to bring offerings everyday and listen to his words of wisdom. The snake never bit anybody after that. It used to live with the holy man like his pet.
One day the holy man told the villagers that he must leave. He must go and help others. He cannot be in one place. The villagers were very sad. They tried to convince him to stay but the holy man was adamant. Before leaving, he gave his last words of advice to the snake. "Never bite anybody," he told him.
After a few months, the holy man happened to visit the village. He got a warm welcome from the villagers. "Where is the snake?", he asked them. "The snake went to the live in the woods after you left," The villagers told him. The holy man went to the woods to see the snake. He was shocked at what he saw. The snake was dying. "What happened?" The holy man asked. "After you left," The snake said, "The villagers started mistreating me. Little kids would throw stones at me and villager would hit me with sticks." "Then why didn't you do something?" The holy man asked. "But you told me not to bite anyone." "You stupid snake," The holy man shook his head, "I told you not to bite anyone, but I didn't tell you not to hiss!"
The fable summarizes the difference between weakness and kindness. If a snake does not have any fangs, and turns away without biting, that's considered weakness. If a snake has the capacity to kill you with one bite but chooses not to, that's considered kindness. One has to let their opponent know that they're not weak. If one does not make that distinction, their kindness will be construed as weakness. This is the message I took away from a peom I'd read as a kid. The poem is called "Shakti aur Kshama (Strength and Forgiveness)" by Ramdhari Singh 'Dinkar', a well-known Hindi poet.
When one is too scared to retaliate, the bully will sense it, and they'll fall prey to their abuse. Confidence comes from self-esteem. A child who has been praised for their achievements, who has been encouraged, who has been treated with fairness, whose views have been heard and respected, will grow up into a confident person with a high self-esteem. Whereas, a child who has been criticized a lot, who has been forced and intimidated, who has been treated unfairly, whose views have never been heard, will grow up into a timid and weak person with a low self-esteem - the perfect target for a bully.
"Next time he bothers you, I want you to tell him to stop." I told my son, "Let him know that you don't like what he's doing. Be firm, be assertive. Let him know that you can and will do whatever it takes to defend yourself. Don't do anything, just let him know that." Then I told him the story of the holy man and the snake. I think my advice worked. He hasn't complained to me again.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Honor System
The other day, I dropped off a package at a UPS drop-off center. The guy at the counter asked me if I wanted a receipt. I was in a hurry, so I instinctively said, "No." Later I started wondering, "What if the guy doesn't hand the package to UPS?" The package contained a $300 camera that I'd just sold on Ebay. "What if UPS denies receiving the package?"
As a young boy growing up in India, I'd learnt that you cannot trust anyone. You're supposed to check everything before you pay for it. But I could never bring myself to believe that people are out to get me. I'd sometimes trust the lady at the grocery store to give me fresh groceries and the sabziwala to give me fresh vegetables. But more often than not, I'd be taken for a ride.
When I first travelled outside India, I was surprised to see how the honor system works. In Singapore, for example, people are expected to lookup the bus fare on their own and deposit the money in a box. There are spot checks, of course, but there are ample opportunities for dishonesty. But the system works. In the US, there is some shoplifting, but the percentage is small enough for businesses to be profitable.
I'd read a story once. It's an Akbar and Birbal anecdote. Akbar and Birbal had an argument about honesty. Birbal said that people are basically dishonest and will cheat, given the opportunity. Akbar, on the other hand, believed that people are basically honest. To prove his point, Birbal made a suggestion. He asked the emperor to have the palace swimming pool drained and dried. He then asked him to make an announcement. Every person in the kingdom was ordered to bring a glass full of milk on the night of new moon and pour it in the palace swimming pool.
The morning after new moon, Akbar and Birbal took a stroll to the swimming pool. They found to their amazement that the pool was full of water. Each person thought that nobody would notice if they poured water instead of milk.
So, are people basically dishonest? How does the honor system work then? Will it work in a poor country like India? Is poverty the only factor? Why is there shoplifting in advanced countries like USA, then?
My wife had once lost her cell phone. The person who found it, called me. I took down the address and went to pick it up. It was a teenage girl. I took the phone and thanked her. Her face lit up. As if she was waiting for that moment.
We crave approval. Dr. Eric Berne (Author of Games People Play and the originator of the theory of Transactional Analysis) calls them strokes. Strokes are so important that we can't live without them. Even when our basic physical needs are met, we need strokes to survive. When we value the stroke we get from returning a wallet more than the money in it, we tend to be honest. If we're supposed to deposit lost-and-found articles in a bin, in the back of the store, where nobody can see us, will we go through the trouble? I think not. Much like the people pouring water in the swimming pool. Honesty is worthless to us unless somebody sees us being honest. When you're about to walk out of a department store, and the alarm goes off, and everybody turns to look. That's the moment we're waiting for. When we go back to the cashier to deactivate the security tag, we're pleading "not guilty" to the jury of on-lookers. When the cashier is done and we walk out proudly with our head held high, and no alarm goes off this time, and everybody goes about their business, we get the stroke we crave - approval of peers. That's what makes it all worthwhile.
As for the package, UPS did receive it, and it safely reached it's destination.
As a young boy growing up in India, I'd learnt that you cannot trust anyone. You're supposed to check everything before you pay for it. But I could never bring myself to believe that people are out to get me. I'd sometimes trust the lady at the grocery store to give me fresh groceries and the sabziwala to give me fresh vegetables. But more often than not, I'd be taken for a ride.
When I first travelled outside India, I was surprised to see how the honor system works. In Singapore, for example, people are expected to lookup the bus fare on their own and deposit the money in a box. There are spot checks, of course, but there are ample opportunities for dishonesty. But the system works. In the US, there is some shoplifting, but the percentage is small enough for businesses to be profitable.
I'd read a story once. It's an Akbar and Birbal anecdote. Akbar and Birbal had an argument about honesty. Birbal said that people are basically dishonest and will cheat, given the opportunity. Akbar, on the other hand, believed that people are basically honest. To prove his point, Birbal made a suggestion. He asked the emperor to have the palace swimming pool drained and dried. He then asked him to make an announcement. Every person in the kingdom was ordered to bring a glass full of milk on the night of new moon and pour it in the palace swimming pool.
The morning after new moon, Akbar and Birbal took a stroll to the swimming pool. They found to their amazement that the pool was full of water. Each person thought that nobody would notice if they poured water instead of milk.
So, are people basically dishonest? How does the honor system work then? Will it work in a poor country like India? Is poverty the only factor? Why is there shoplifting in advanced countries like USA, then?
My wife had once lost her cell phone. The person who found it, called me. I took down the address and went to pick it up. It was a teenage girl. I took the phone and thanked her. Her face lit up. As if she was waiting for that moment.
We crave approval. Dr. Eric Berne (Author of Games People Play and the originator of the theory of Transactional Analysis) calls them strokes. Strokes are so important that we can't live without them. Even when our basic physical needs are met, we need strokes to survive. When we value the stroke we get from returning a wallet more than the money in it, we tend to be honest. If we're supposed to deposit lost-and-found articles in a bin, in the back of the store, where nobody can see us, will we go through the trouble? I think not. Much like the people pouring water in the swimming pool. Honesty is worthless to us unless somebody sees us being honest. When you're about to walk out of a department store, and the alarm goes off, and everybody turns to look. That's the moment we're waiting for. When we go back to the cashier to deactivate the security tag, we're pleading "not guilty" to the jury of on-lookers. When the cashier is done and we walk out proudly with our head held high, and no alarm goes off this time, and everybody goes about their business, we get the stroke we crave - approval of peers. That's what makes it all worthwhile.
As for the package, UPS did receive it, and it safely reached it's destination.
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